The Lighthouse, The Post, and The Guardian

My morning started off great!

Besides waking up in the middle of the night with no power, once it was restored, I eventually fell back to sleep.

I woke back up around 7 a.m. I heard my alarm going off in my sleep, and from a distance, not really realizing it was my alarm. Then I realized it was time for me to get up and take care of a few things.

Once I did that, I grabbed a coffee and came back to the house, laid back down, and scrolled TikTok.

Some of the videos I came across had me in my feelings.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind, yet I put my phone down and decided I needed to get up.

I took a shower, moisturized my hair, brushed my teeth, etc.

But while in the shower, one thought brought me to tears.

I thought about how I had been standing at a post since I was 15 years old. I’m 43 now.

This had nothing to do with regret.

I became a mother at 14.

My next child came at 16, then 20, 24, and lastly at 28.

I’ve literally been on mom duties since then. So now that practically all my children are grown except one, the youngest, I’m still at that “post,” on “guard,” or being a “lighthouse.”

And I don’t know how to be Toni.

I’m learning.

I’ll always be a mom, but I’m quite certain it may be time for me to step down from certain things and learn me, Toni.

And find her organically.

Not through a personality quiz or help from another.

Just day by day, taking one step at a time, and doing something—or trying something—that I’ve envisioned.

The simple things.

I can see how I want to be, but I haven’t made a decision to fully commit to the change I desire.

That stops today.

Fear will just have to take a backseat.

I’ve realized that I wasn’t at the “post” or on “guard” alone.

And I wasn’t the lighthouse after all.

He has always been there.

And now is the time to trust Him with all that He’s giving me, including my own life.

It’s time for me to live.

Learning to Be Toni

Maybe I’ve spent so much of my life standing at the post that I forgot I was allowed to leave it.

Maybe being “on guard” became so natural that I didn’t realize I was still carrying the responsibility of protecting everything and everyone around me.

Maybe I thought I had to be the lighthouse.

The one who stayed lit.

The one who stayed watchful.

The one who helped guide everyone else.

But what if I was never meant to carry that responsibility alone?

What if the One who has been with me all along never asked me to carry the weight of everyone’s lives?

What if He has been standing there the entire time?

Watching.

Guiding.

Protecting.

While I was busy believing I had to do it all.

I’m learning that stepping away from the post doesn’t mean I stop loving my children.

It doesn’t mean I stop being a mother.

It means I finally allow myself to become Toni outside of motherhood.

To discover what I like.

What I want.

What makes me smile.

What I’ve dreamed about.

What I’ve been afraid to try.

The woman underneath all the responsibilities.

The woman underneath the survival.

The woman underneath the constant need to be strong.

Me.

And I don’t expect to figure it all out overnight.

I’m learning.

Day by day.

One step at a time.

Doing the simple things.

Trying the things I’ve envisioned.

Allowing myself to change.

Allowing myself to live.

Because fear doesn’t get to make every decision for me anymore.

Fear can take a backseat.

I’ve spent enough time standing at the post.

I’ve spent enough time being on guard.

And I’ve spent enough time believing I had to be the lighthouse.

He has always been there.

So maybe I don’t have to be the lighthouse.

Maybe I just have to trust the One who is.

And with that trust comes something I’ve been learning how to give myself permission to do:

Live.

It’s time for me to live. 🌱