The Familiar Reach

Recently, I traveled out of town for my daughter’s 19th birthday. I couldn’t wait to get there — I was literally counting down the days.

I longed for the peace. The quiet. The much-needed me time.

But once I finally got alone, what I expected to feel and what actually came over me were two very different things. Instead of rest, there was a downpour of emotions.

And to add insult to injury, I chose to self-sabotage — knowing better.

Although clarity was needed in that situation, I realized something painful: I was willing to hurt myself just to excuse the faults of people who do not love me.

You all know I like to go on these self-discovery journeys. So here I am again — on another adventure.

This time, I’m asking myself a harder question:

Why do I continue to self-sabotage… even now?

Now, I know some of you may be wondering what I mean when I say I chose to self-sabotage.

It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t look reckless.

It looked like a simple message.
A familiar reach.
A moment I could’ve paused… but didn’t.

And if I’m honest, it wasn’t even about them.

That’s what shook me.

It was about something much older — something buried so quietly in my past that I didn’t even realize it was still influencing my present.

I used to think self-sabotage meant destroying good things on purpose. But what I’m beginning to understand is that sometimes it looks like repeating what feels familiar… even when familiar has always hurt.

The reaching wasn’t new.

The pattern was.

And when I sat still long enough to trace it back, I realized this wasn’t about one conversation or one person.

It was about a younger version of me who learned that when love feels uncertain, you try harder.

You don’t sit with the silence.
You break it.
You reach first.
You overextend.
You excuse.

Not because you lack strength — but because somewhere along the way, survival got confused with love.

So when I look back at some of my past decisions, this understanding doesn’t excuse them — but it does explain them.

And there is power in that.

Because when I understand the root, I can choose differently.
I can respond instead of react.
I can sit with silence instead of breaking it.
I can let people leave without abandoning myself in the process.

And that feels like a more fulfilling path than the ones I’ve taken before.

Maybe you’ve reached too.

Maybe you’ve sent the message you knew you shouldn’t.
Maybe you’ve tried harder when you should have rested.
Maybe you’ve excused what hurt you just to avoid feeling left.

If you have, I hope you give yourself permission to look deeper — not with shame, but with curiosity.

Sometimes self-sabotage isn’t about ruining your life.

Sometimes it’s about protecting a wound that never learned it was safe to heal.

And awareness?
That’s where change begins.

-ToniRay