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Grief & Relief

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Raise your hand ✋if you’ve ever felt several emotions at once. I know for sure that I have. Today was a very emotional day for me, and I must be honest—at one point, I asked myself whether I could have made my day better. Looking back, I probably could have. What stood out to me most was not just what happened, but how I felt. I found myself wondering how it was even possible to feel two very strong emotions at the same time. Lately, the way my days have been going, I’ve felt like I needed to pick just one emotion—because feeling more than one at a time feels overwhelming right now. And while I know having multiple emotions is natural, that wasn’t really my struggle. I was stuck on the fact that I was feeling good and bad at the same time. I know some of you may be wondering what those two emotions were that tangled my thoughts—they were grief and relief. The Cause I’ve been married for sixteen years, and now I’m going through a divorce. And somehow, that reality is making me ...
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The Familiar Reach

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Recently, I traveled out of town for my daughter’s 19th birthday. I couldn’t wait to get there — I was literally counting down the days. I longed for the peace. The quiet. The much-needed me time. But once I finally got alone, what I expected to feel and what actually came over me were two very different things. Instead of rest, there was a downpour of emotions. And to add insult to injury, I chose to self-sabotage — knowing better. Although clarity was needed in that situation, I realized something painful: I was willing to hurt myself just to excuse the faults of people who do not love me. You all know I like to go on these self-discovery journeys. So here I am again — on another adventure. This time, I’m asking myself a harder question: Why do I continue to self-sabotage… even now? Now, I know some of you may be wondering what I mean when I say I chose to self-sabotage. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t look reckless. It looked like a simple message. A familiar reach. ...
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Remembering Hope

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I’ve had many occasions when I thought I had no hope at all. I would wonder what could possibly be in the way of having this massive amount of hope I felt I needed. Day after day, I wrestled with it, convinced there was something huge I was missing. I remember a conversation with a friend where I mentioned how often we say, “I hope this,” or “I hope that.” He responded by saying he doesn’t really hope for things, yet in the same breath, he said he hoped there wouldn’t be traffic on his drive home. That moment stayed with me. Without realizing it, we unconsciously declare our hopes every single day. Sometimes even in negative ways — hoping something doesn’t go wrong, hoping we don’t fail, hoping things don’t fall apart. So as I continued on my journey of uncovering my so-called “hope issue,” I began to realize something freeing: I wasn’t hopeless at all. What I was lacking wasn’t hope — it was understanding. In Psalm 42 :5, David speaks to his own soul and says, “Why are you cast down,...
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Hidden Treasure?

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There was a scripture I had been struggling with all week. I kept beating myself up because I could read it, visualize it, even feel that it was meant for me—yet I could not fully understand it. I couldn’t reach that aha moment where everything finally clicks. Over and over again, I racked my brain because deep down, I knew it resonated with my life. I stayed on this path of study, comparing scripture with scripture, asking myself what it was that I was “missing.” I decided I was going to sit with it—no matter how long it took. So every day that week, I made time to study that same passage, hoping the light bulb would come on and not just flicker. Last night, as I prepared to finally relax, I grabbed my Bible and said, Let’s get to it. I was determined to solve the mystery that had held me all week. I turned to the page and read the scripture again…and again. Still nothing. For a moment, I thought maybe the Most High wasn’t ready to reveal this to me. But I caught that thought qu...
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The "Waiting Room" Season

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Some days I find myself pacing the floor, my mind moving a million miles a second. I’m not anxious. I’m not worried. I just feel like I’m waiting on something. That something I can’t explain. I honestly don’t know what it is — but I do know it’s something. Maybe I’m waiting for peace. Or closure. Direction. Permission. Or maybe I’m waiting for a new version of myself to arrive. I’m learning that this kind of waiting doesn’t come with instructions. There’s no sign on the wall telling me how long I’ll be here or what happens next. I can’t rush it. I can’t fix it. I can’t force clarity to show up before it’s ready. This season has slowed me down and stripped away my usual distractions, leaving me with nothing but honesty — and that kind of honesty can feel unsettling when you’re used to surviving by staying busy. This season feels like sitting in a doctor’s office. You’re waiting quietly, half-aware of time, half-lost in your thoughts. Then the door opens and, for a moment, your heart...
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Rumination?

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve wondered about the floating, argumentative thoughts that run through my mind. At times, I find myself arguing in my head with someone who can’t hear a word I’m thinking and will never know the conversation even happened. For a long time, I didn’t understand what these thoughts were or why they were there. They weren’t always present — or if they were, I didn’t pay them much attention. But with age, I’ve become more aware of them. At first, I wasn’t curious about the science behind it. I assumed I was simply upset, and that these thoughts were just what happens when emotions linger. Arguing with someone in your head. Replaying conversations. Thinking, why couldn’t I have thought of that then? Wishing you’d landed the punchline at the right moment so it wouldn’t still be circling your mind — keeping you awake at night and greeting you again the moment you open your eyes. One day, I decided to look deeper into what these thoughts might be. I was afraid...
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The Inner Work I Needed

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I believe that in this season of my life, God wants me to focus on Him so He can show me what my focus should be. Outside of my writing, that is. This season of my life should be solely concentrated on the inner work that I so desperately need.   I made a promise to myself that I would start taking the time to look out for myself, my needs, and my mental health, and to rewire the way I think. Without fear. Standing up for myself and not caring what anyone would think about it. I don’t have the mental capacity for anything else that could drain or stagnate that process. Protecting my peace has been vital, and for a while, I didn’t realize the importance of my own presence in my healing. I’ve shown up for so many people in my life, but I’m finally learning what it looks like to show up for me . To sit with myself. To ask myself the questions I’ve always avoided. To give myself the gentleness, the honesty, and the structure my soul has been craving. And the more I slow down, ...
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Rewiring Your Mind

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How many of us have found ourselves saying, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another,” or “It’s always something”? I know I have — more times than I can count. I’m not proud of it; that was simply how I was conditioned to think. Many of us were never taught how important our thoughts are, or how they can shape our lives for better or worse. Lately, I’ve made a conscious decision to pay attention to my thinking. And with that small shift, I’ve noticed how the tone of my thoughts sets the tone for my day. It made me wonder: imagine what this could do for my whole life. Scripture speaks directly to this kind of transformation: “Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind…” — Romans 12:2 When you start becoming aware of the seeds you plant in your mind, you might hear yourself saying things like, “No, I’m not thinking about that today.” You begin learning the difference between truth and the lies you’ve believed. It’s hard — I won’t pretend it isn’t — but...
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Just You

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Life has its way of catapulting you into what your calling is. Situations arise, and the choices we make play a major role in determining where we’re headed. My life lately has been a rollercoaster. I’m in the middle of ending something that, honestly, I thought wouldn’t end—at least not like this. My children are growing up before my eyes, and what it’s felt like is that I’ve been left with just me. At first, I didn’t know what to do with that; I didn’t know what to do with me. But then I realized it was my time— my “me time”—to find myself for the first time. I had never given myself a chance. I didn’t even know I needed that. For almost 30 years, my life has been about others. When I realized I had to get to know myself on all levels, it was eye-opening. I had to take the time to understand myself and like whoever that was, before I cared about who didn’t. I started by taking accountability for where my life was in that moment—which was hard—and I asked myself, “Could my life be d...
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Practice What You Preach

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 The other night, I found myself scrolling through my old blog posts — not really looking for anything, just reminiscing. I didn’t expect it to feel like medicine. As I read through my words, I realized something powerful: I needed those messages just as much now as I did when I first wrote them. There were lines about faith, healing, and trusting the process that hit differently this time. It was like my past self was reaching out, reminding me of truths I’ve somehow forgotten in the middle of life’s noise. I caught myself nodding and even whispering, “Girl, you said that!” — as if someone else had written it. It made me think about how often I pour encouragement into others through my writing, or just in general, telling them to hold on, to trust, to believe that better days are coming. But lately, I’ve had to ask myself: Do I believe those same words for me? “Be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” — James 1:22 That verse didn’t come to me as a ...
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Is It Silence or Is It Peace?

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Tonight, the house feels quiet. I can hear the insects outside, the steady hum of the ceiling fan, and the faint drip of the ice maker—sounds I usually overlook. The silence seems to have a voice, yet my thoughts echo louder, asking questions I’m unsure I’m ready to face. Is this truly what I want? I recall the times I was told I’d end up alone if I didn’t change my attitude, and now I wonder if that’s happening. My children are nearly grown, and much of my life has revolved around serving others. Now that it’s truly quiet, I see how little I do for myself. I sit amidst the soft sounds of a house that once felt full but now feels empty. The silence reminds me that, for the first time in a long while, nothing and no one demands my attention—just me. And I’m uncertain about what to do with that. Nevertheless, even in this deep silence, I try to feel grateful. Maybe this marks the start of something new, even if it doesn’t seem like it yet. Perhaps this emptiness is creating space for my ...
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Emotional Residue

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  Happy Monday! This morning, I woke up with the same feelings from the night before, not knowing exactly why. I felt a bit overwhelmed, because I figured by now, these feelings should be gone. I soon realized what these emotions actually were: Emotional Residue — those lingering feelings that don’t disappear, even when life moves on. It’s funny, really… this residue is strong, real, and persistent. It almost made me circle back, almost made me reach out, even when I know deep down that sometimes the healthiest thing is to let it sit. At times, it felt almost as if this is intentionally being done to me. Yet here it is, reminding me of the connection, the closeness, and the moments that mattered. Almost every emotion felt tangible. Even though it’s tempting to act on it, I’ve realized that acknowledging it is enough. This emotional residue doesn’t need to control me. It’s a quiet, persistent reminder that I’ve loved deeply, felt fully, and lived honestly. I thank God He blessed...
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A Soft Answer

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I’d been meaning to have a talk with someone close to me, but I kept putting it off. Every attempt before had fallen flat, and deep down, I knew this conversation couldn’t wait forever. I just needed the right time, the right setting, and maybe — just maybe — the understanding I’d been hoping for. Bringing up the topic again was emotional for me. I was afraid it would lead to another disagreement, another wall being built, another day where my true feelings would go unheard. But this time, I approached the conversation differently. To my surprise, the response was nothing like I expected. The person listened — really listened — and even agreed with what I shared about where things stood between us. They said it would be selfish of them not to want me to grow. No harsh words were exchanged. No lines were crossed or words spoken that couldn’t be taken back. Instead, I was met with something I hadn’t experienced in a long time — a calm, understanding tone. A soft answer. One that caught m...
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Nature Speaks

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 This morning, I literally jumped out of my sleep reminding myself that I needed to water my plants and told myself not forget. No exceptions. I know that may seem crazy, to had been my first thought —but it felt necessary , almost urgent, like my spirit knew this small act mattered more than I realized. I rushed to my office, grabbed the watering can, and began pouring life into each plant. As the water flowed, I found myself talking to them softly. I told them I loved them, that they were growing beautifully, that I was proud of them for staying alive and pushing through. It may sound funny, but it felt sacred—like a moment of connection between me, nature, and something deeper. Then I noticed something. A few of my plants had outgrown their pots. Their roots were peeking through the bottom, and the soil had hardened. I realized it was time for them to be uprooted —to be placed in new soil where they could stretch, breathe, and grow freely again. That spoke to me. Because som...
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Doubt the Doubt

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 There are moments when doubt whispers louder than truth. It creeps in quietly, questioning everything you once felt certain about — your growth, your faith, your purpose, even your healing. But what if the doubt itself is the lie? What if the voice that tells you “you can’t” is only afraid that you finally will? This morning, I caught myself slipping into that space again — wondering if my blog will ever reach the goals I’ve set for it, if my book will be finished, if my dreams will ever unfold the way I imagine them. Will my stories become movies? Will I really get to work with the directors I dream about? Will my book one day be on the big screen like so many others? Those thoughts came after looking at my blog stats — numbers that made me question whether what I’m doing really matters. But then something shifted in me. I realized I could either sit in that doubt or doubt the doubt itself. I could choose to believe that just because I can’t see the full picture yet doesn’t mean ...
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THE BEST "BURDEN"

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This piece is for my firstborn son. You were never my burden. You were my blessing in disguise — even when the world tried to make me believe otherwise. I’m proud of the man you are today. Intro: This is a small snippet from my upcoming book, I AM TONI, from the chapter titled 1997. At fourteen, I carried what felt like the heaviest burden of my life. Looking back now, I see it was also the beginning of strength, love, and purpose I never knew I had. Excerpt: My first pregnancy was one of the most difficult times in my life. Looking back, I was truly like a baby having a baby, as many would say. The heaviest weight I carried then felt like shame, though it would one day become the burden that shaped me. I was clearly made aware that being 14 and pregnant was considered one of the worst things a girl could do. As a parent of a 14-year-old daughter now, I would be upset with her, but I don’t think I could treat her the way I was treated at that time. I love my daughter deeply. I’m u...
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Walking Alone?

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This morning, during my walk, I caught myself drifting deep into thought. When I finally snapped out of it, I noticed something: everyone else around me was walking with someone, and I was walking alone. A few months ago, that realization would’ve felt heavy. I would’ve taken it as a negative sign and let my thoughts spiral until they ruined my whole day. But now, it makes sense. Where I am in life, I’m learning to see things differently. I’m the type of person who can strike up a conversation with a stranger sometimes, and other times, I just want to stay quiet and let people enjoy their own rhythm. By the time I hit mile two, I noticed a woman walking alone, wearing a weighted vest. I decided to ask her where she got it from, and that small question opened the door to a full conversation. She shared her life with me like we had been friends forever. I didn’t mind—I’ve been a listening ear for a lot of people in my life. I got a few words in here and there, but mostly, I just let her ...
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What's The Rush?

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  Happy Monday, For some of us, life can start in a rush—despite the plans we make the night before. We wake up thinking, It’s Monday already? Friday felt like a moment ago, when we left work excited for the weekend, only to turn around and do it all again. Last night I told myself I’d get up before everyone else, as I usually do. I even added a few details to my morning: finish my early walk, hit my three miles (because honestly, I’d fallen off and wasn’t letting myself slide), and write this blog post. But instead of rising early, I hit snooze—first mistake—and stayed up too late (pretending nighttime is free time). Then came the scramble: making sure my daughter was up and ready for school, running to the store for chips she wanted, rushing back so she wouldn’t miss the bus. She made it—just barely. Back home, I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Then I paused. Why am I rushing? I was moving like there was a deadline, as if my morning walk might disappear if I didn’t hur...
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A Message That Made My Heart Smile

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  Today, a dear friend reached out, and her message made me grin from ear to ear. She told me how much she’s been enjoying my blog posts and asked how she could access them regularly and how often I plan to share. That simple question gave me a little sense of urgency—in the best way—because she remembered that writing has always been my dream. Just knowing she sees it, believes in it, and is genuinely excited for me filled my heart with so much joy. It’s one thing to write for yourself, but hearing that someone you love is inspired by what you’re creating? That’s a whole different kind of encouragement. As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). Her message reminded me how true that is—those words gave me fresh motivation to keep following the dream that’s been on my heart for so long. Thank you to everyone reading, sharing, or just quietly cheering me on. Your support means more than you know. P.S. I love you, Dana 💕 This one’s for you. When ...
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THE NEW HOPE

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My blog post yesterday made me feel as if maybe—just maybe—this might be the start of the “New Beginning” I’ve been dreaming of. The feedback I received was incredibly helpful. With my imaginative mind, I began to envision where I truly want to be in life—the places I’ll go and the people I’ll meet. I saw myself doing so many things—like being interviewed on a podcast, talking about my book, and sharing the obstacles I’ve overcome to reach where I am and where I’m headed. For me, this isn’t just a dream anymore. This is my future. Just that one post gave me hope. Thank you all for encouraging me to keep going. Your support gave me the drive to continue, no matter the outcome. That led me to wonder what comes next: What’s the best topic? What would intrigue people to want more? Then I reminded myself: quality and authenticity matter more than frequency. So I slowed my thoughts, took a deep breath, and decided not to rush into tomorrow’s topic—or too far into the future. I chose to simp...
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A New Beginning

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  I woke up this morning wondering what I could accomplish instead of always feeling unaccomplished. I started to think if starting a blog would even make a difference in my life, I didn't know where or how to begin or what even to say.   I started to second guess this "big" decision, say forget it and scroll through Youtube and watch something crime related and let the day pass, and continue on this never ending cycle of mine. So, I got up from my bed for a second, because I felt the anxiety drawing near as if I was standing in-front of an audience, and I hadn't jotted one word. I began to just say forget it, you have too many problems or issues to even start anything, and that consumes your mind right now so just lay the hell back down. Then the intrusive thoughts really started rolling in: Your unemployed, at home, in your 40s, going through perimenopause marital issues, what would you have to say to the world that can have a positive domino effect starting right n...
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