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The Lighthouse, The Post, and The Guardian

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My morning started off great! Besides waking up in the middle of the night with no power, once it was restored, I eventually fell back to sleep. I woke back up around 7 a.m. I heard my alarm going off in my sleep, and from a distance, not really realizing it was my alarm. Then I realized it was time for me to get up and take care of a few things. Once I did that, I grabbed a coffee and came back to the house, laid back down, and scrolled TikTok. Some of the videos I came across had me in my feelings. I had so many thoughts running through my mind, yet I put my phone down and decided I needed to get up. I took a shower, moisturized my hair, brushed my teeth, etc. But while in the shower, one thought brought me to tears. I thought about how I had been standing at a post since I was 15 years old. I’m 43 now. This had nothing to do with regret. I became a mother at 14. My next child came at 16, then 20, 24, and lastly at 28. I’ve literally been on mom duties since then. So now that practic...
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Beginning Again?

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I noticed the last time I made a blog entry was almost three months ago. After the release of my book I AM TONI in April, I honestly didn't have much to say, and that's not normal for me lol. My strategy was that I'd keep writing and writing and writing, but honestly, I didn't have it in me. And, as I previously mentioned, that part was questionable. The way that I'm fashioned, I figured there had to be something wrong with me, or that I had made a huge mistake by even writing and releasing my book. Come to find out, it was the complete opposite. What I had been experiencing was actually quite normal in a writer's world. After a huge accomplishment such as that, things can feel "off," and that was the exact feeling that I had. I felt... off. And full of mixed emotions. I can't honestly say that the release of my book did or did not lead to some of the changes that followed, but they sure came. And although I wanted change, and did my best to stay ...
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Playlist of Prayers?

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What I’ve realized is that in the book of Psalms, David went to the Most High about everything that was happening in his life. Anything he dealt with, he brought before Him and pleaded his cause. David constantly sought the Most High—not only about his feelings, but also his worries, his enemies, his future, on behalf of others, and even concerning his own sins and trespasses. He stayed in prayer. He stayed connected. And while in distress, David never failed to give Yahuah praise and made it his business to remind himself—and us—of who Yahuah is despite his circumstances. When I think about that, I realize David seemed to understand something I didn’t always understand. David knew he could go to Yahuah about everything. His fears. His pain. His questions. His victories. His failures. And maybe because of that closeness and intimacy, he had faith that Yahuah would come through for him despite what he was enduring. Does this sound like you? I’m not going to lie—a lot in my ...
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The Martha State

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The Martha State I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit of a worrier. But I’d also be lying if I said my worrying hasn’t calmed down—a great deal. “Overjoyed” would be an understatement. I’m not in that place mentally anymore… but I’m also not quite where I want to be. I can remember when it all started. It felt like worry came out of nowhere—like it chose me. Like it saw me, came down, scooped me up, and attached itself to me without permission. And back then, my question was always why . Why me? Why now? Why won’t it stop? But I’ve learned something since then… Why never took the worry away. Back then, almost anything could disrupt my so-called peace. The smallest thought could send me into a whirlwind—overthinking, overanalyzing, overwhelmed. And the more I tried to understand why it was happening, the worse it got. Because focusing on the “why” only fed the worry. It didn’t free me from it. So somewhere in the middle of all that mental noise, I came across something t...
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Grief & Relief

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Raise your hand ✋if you’ve ever felt several emotions at once. I know for sure that I have. Today was a very emotional day for me, and I must be honest—at one point, I asked myself whether I could have made my day better. Looking back, I probably could have. What stood out to me most was not just what happened, but how I felt. I found myself wondering how it was even possible to feel two very strong emotions at the same time. Lately, the way my days have been going, I’ve felt like I needed to pick just one emotion—because feeling more than one at a time feels overwhelming right now. And while I know having multiple emotions is natural, that wasn’t really my struggle. I was stuck on the fact that I was feeling good and bad at the same time. I know some of you may be wondering what those two emotions were that tangled my thoughts—they were grief and relief. The Cause I’ve been married for sixteen years, and now I’m going through a divorce. And somehow, that reality is making me ...
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The Familiar Reach

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Recently, I traveled out of town for my daughter’s 19th birthday. I couldn’t wait to get there — I was literally counting down the days. I longed for the peace. The quiet. The much-needed me time. But once I finally got alone, what I expected to feel and what actually came over me were two very different things. Instead of rest, there was a downpour of emotions. And to add insult to injury, I chose to self-sabotage — knowing better. Although clarity was needed in that situation, I realized something painful: I was willing to hurt myself just to excuse the faults of people who do not love me. You all know I like to go on these self-discovery journeys. So here I am again — on another adventure. This time, I’m asking myself a harder question: Why do I continue to self-sabotage… even now? Now, I know some of you may be wondering what I mean when I say I chose to self-sabotage. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t look reckless. It looked like a simple message. A familiar reach. ...
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