Beginning Again?

I noticed the last time I made a blog entry was almost three months ago.

After the release of my book I AM TONI in April, I honestly didn't have much to say, and that's not normal for me lol.

My strategy was that I'd keep writing and writing and writing, but honestly, I didn't have it in me. And, as I previously mentioned, that part was questionable.

The way that I'm fashioned, I figured there had to be something wrong with me, or that I had made a huge mistake by even writing and releasing my book.

Come to find out, it was the complete opposite.

What I had been experiencing was actually quite normal in a writer's world.

After a huge accomplishment such as that, things can feel "off," and that was the exact feeling that I had.

I felt... off.

And full of mixed emotions.

I can't honestly say that the release of my book did or did not lead to some of the changes that followed, but they sure came.

And although I wanted change, and did my best to stay persistent and keep up the momentum I had going, in my heart of hearts, I didn't know if what I had been longing for would ever come to fruition.

But part of it did.

Along with my writing, a new career path came along.

Then my environment changed.

I thought to myself:

Could this really be happening?

Am I actually getting what I've been praying for?

As the months progressed, I rolled with the punches. Whatever I had to do to get where I felt I was going, I did just that.

During this process, there were times I found myself asking myself questions like:

What are you doing?

You know what you're getting ready to do, right?

You know there's no turning back now?

No matter how much I tried to convince myself to just stop and return to the life I knew, I kept moving forward.

And a part of me felt like it wasn't me that was leading me.

So I knew I had no choice but to proceed.

Now, I'm here.

Halfway—or maybe just somewhere in between.

And I can finally and honestly say something that I haven't said in a while. Or maybe I haven't been able to say it and truly mean it:

Toni, I'm proud of you.

Again, I can't say for certain where these changes will lead me.

I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side of all of this.

All I know is that change has come.

And I'm okay.

Actually...

I think I'm still blooming. 

-ToniRay 🌱



 

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