THE BEST "BURDEN"

This piece is for my firstborn son. You were never my burden. You were my blessing in disguise — even when the world tried to make me believe otherwise. I’m proud of the man you are today.

Intro:
This is a small snippet from my upcoming book, I AM TONI, from the chapter titled 1997. At fourteen, I carried what felt like the heaviest burden of my life. Looking back now, I see it was also the beginning of strength, love, and purpose I never knew I had.

Excerpt:
My first pregnancy was one of the most difficult times in my life. Looking back, I was truly like a baby having a baby, as many would say. The heaviest weight I carried then felt like shame, though it would one day become the burden that shaped me. I was clearly made aware that being 14 and pregnant was considered one of the worst things a girl could do.

As a parent of a 14-year-old daughter now, I would be upset with her, but I don’t think I could treat her the way I was treated at that time. I love my daughter deeply. I’m unsure if I could make her feel bad every day for a decision she made, even if it was careless. If I did, I would question myself as a mother — where was I? I would take much of the responsibility because I must not have been close enough or paying attention to what my daughter was doing, who she spent time with, and so on.

I can still recall the day I informed my mother I was pregnant, as if it were yesterday. I walked out of my basement room, went to her, and said quietly, “Mom, I think I’m pregnant.” I wasn’t even entirely certain myself; I had no test, just an unshakable knowing. And I was right.

Her response stunned me. First: “You need to get an abortion.” (I didn’t even know what an abortion was.) Then: “Or you can live with your dad.” She gave me an ultimatum. In that instant, the weight of everything pressed down on me — the pressure, the rejection, the isolation.

I ran to my room, slammed the door, and burst into tears. Out of nowhere, the room seemed to shrink, as if the burden I carried made everything else feel smaller. The bed groaned under me as I curled up, knees to my chest, struggling to hold back the lump in my throat. The walls felt like they were closing in, enclosing me with my own thoughts.

Everyone else’s life went on while mine seemed stuck. I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn’t believe this was really my reality.

Closing Note:
At fourteen, what I thought was the worst burden of my life turned out to be a blessing in disguise — the “burden” that gave me a reason to fight, to grow, and to become the woman and mother I am today.

-ToniRay